he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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