I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
They have beer where we have blood.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
