i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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