i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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