just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
