i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize