I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
