Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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