I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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