Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
that is very illegal...i love you.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
