I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I AM VODKA MAN
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize