Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
