i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
