Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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