woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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