I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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