My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
