I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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