She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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