I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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