ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
