so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Randomize
