Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The Olympian is in my bed
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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