why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
