I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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