Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
