Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Of course I have a pirate flag
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
