I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
