Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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