i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
