Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
