So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
