Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
