I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
