some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
