just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
