Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
