I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
