Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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