if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Randomize
