dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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