P.S. I can't hear my feet
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
