I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
