Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
