if you like me you must not know who I am
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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