Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize