my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
