I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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