just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize