I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize