You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize