I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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