Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Go christen that room with your naked body.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Randomize
