Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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