Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
