if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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