I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
