I hate your face
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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