Just fell off a train. Bad.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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