I look better un-naked...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
