nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
