Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
